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Dianne Salerni : Writer of Teen and Middle Grade Fiction | First Impressions: TEMPLE BEYOND THE SEA

First Impressions: TEMPLE BEYOND THE SEA

MarkHappy July, everyone! We have a First Impressions post from Mark Murata today.  This is the first page of his New Adult historical fantasy, TEMPLE BEYOND THE SEA.

***

To be a priestess, the walk had to be flawless—the smooth heel-to-toe motion beneath the woolen robe that would soon be spattered with blood. Iphi had practiced this walk for two years, knew it was perfect, knew the ceremonial dagger at her waist was not bouncing from the motion. Sheathed at my navel, the center of life. Her slippered feet continued their smooth whisper on the stone floor of the temple, taking her through the darkness to the sunlight that shone through the linteled doorway, where the victims waited outside.

At the doorway itself she paused, heavy stonework on either side, the scents of life and fresh air greeting her. She had no need to blink—though the veil that hung in front of her eyes was thin and gauze-like, its deep-set purple shielded those same eyes from the sudden change in lighting. Iphi made the pause purposeful, foreboding. The whiteness of her face would sharply contrast against the darkness of her eyes, dimly glimpsed through the veil. Arms outstretched, she stood ready to receive the sacrifices lying on the altar. Any supplicant standing directly in front of her would have seen her framed by darkness. And further on, in the interior of the temple, hints of the image of Artemis herself showed—a pale statue in the same posture, lit by hungry flames.

The pause also gave Iphi time to contemplate this, the last phase of her training. She would ascend to the priesthood by performing human sacrifice. The dagger rested easily against her waist.

Her lips parted. There was no need for a last glance at any polished bronze mirror. The red on her lips was perfect, the same as the whiteness of her face. She stiffened her belly for the pronouncement, her voice deep and confident.

#

The goddess will have her sacrifice

Virgin am I, who serve her

All you who stand here, adore

#

Silence greeted the words. If any worshipers had been present, they would be murmuring in awe and fear. As it was, only two guards from the palace stood in the place for worshipers—no one else occupied the temple grounds, bordered by sharp cliffs that dropped off on either side to the sea below. Beyond a heath a few young women watched in rapt fascination, hoping the distance would keep them from being rousted out by the spear butts of the guards. 

***

This opening page is a wowser – almost a perfect storm of vivid description, introduction to character and setting, and the beginnings of conflict. We have a novice priestess, well-rehearsed and poised, deliberate in every motion, which she has choreographed for maximum symbolic impact on her observers. And she’s about to perform (apparently several) human sacrifices! Who wouldn’t turn the page to keep reading?

There are some questions raised for me – (This might be deliberate, and they might be answered on the next few pages) – and a couple awkward sentences that could be improved if they were written more directly and simply.

First, my question: If every movement has been practiced and planned for the express purpose of impressing observers, why are there so few observers? Where are the worshippers? Even this sentence — Any supplicant standing directly in front of her would have seen her framed by darkness – is carefully worded so we aren’t sure if supplicants are actually present. The contrast between Iphi’s self-conscious and practiced exit from the temple and the lack of people there to see it may be intentional. I’d just have to keep reading to learn more.

Next, the sentences that could use some work: She had no need to blink—though the veil that hung in front of her eyes was thin and gauze-like, its deep-set purple shielded those same eyes from the sudden change in lighting. That one is overly convoluted and a little repetitive. It could be simplified into something like: She had no need to blink—the deep purple veil that hung in front of her eyes, though thin and gauze-like, shielded her from the change in lighting.

Also these two could be simplified: Any supplicant standing directly in front of her would have seen her framed by darkness. And further on, in the interior of the temple, hints of the image of Artemis herself showed—a pale statue in the same posture, lit by hungry flames. Combining them would also clarify Iphi’s position in relation to the statue. Any supplicant standing directly in front of her would have seen her framed by darkness, her posture echoing the pale statue of Artemis—lit by hungry flames—inside the temple behind her.

Overall, however, I am impressed and intrigued. Readers, do you have any thoughts?

Mark, thanks for sharing your page. Mark can be found at his blog, Suburban Fantasy, and please don’t forget to check out the feedback on this page from Krystalyn and Marcy!

We have a second First Impressions post for this month, but due to the upcoming holiday, we are skipping a Friday post. So stop back Monday for the second First Impressions page (and, ahem, there’s still time for a third person to submit …)

15 Responses to First Impressions: TEMPLE BEYOND THE SEA

  1. Tiana Smith says:

    I agree with Dianne’s comments. Also, this line in the first paragraph: “where the victims waited outside.” took me out of the story for a bit, because with it being from her point of view, I didn’t think she’d call them “victims” so soon in the writing. I’d think she’d refer to them as sacrifices or something, because calling them victims implies she’s not okay with what she’s about to do. Maybe she’s not okay with it, but I’d think that word choice would come later.

  2. Yikes! I don’t want to live in that story world. I read just for enjoyment, and I did enjoy it. You present a great conflict, a character who feels very relatable, and a powerful show of emotions. Nicely done.

  3. For me, there was, yes, a little too much description going on, but overall, I enjoyed the read and definitely would move on to the next pages to see what happens next – and to get more info on Iphi 🙂

  4. I’d mentioned at Marcy’s that it needed more connection with the character. There did seem to be a lot of description. But it was well written prose!

  5. ChemistKen says:

    The prose flowed well, although the heavy amount of description did seem to slow the story down a bit for me. All in all, good writing.

  6. Human sacrifice and blood are certainly attention getters. I think this story has an excellent entry point. The descriptions are spot on also. As a reader, I felt as if I was there. Some parts of it gave me the impression of being telly, though. I would have preferred to have a little more showing. Whether or not my opinion is valid depends on whether I’m the only one thinking this, or there are others also. See what everyone else thinks.

  7. Lexa Cain says:

    I enjoyed Mark’s opening very much, and I agree with your critique. I left my own thoughts at Marcy’s, mostly about trimming so info isn’t repeated or unnecessary. Good luck to Mark!

  8. WOW! I don’t have anything new to add beyond the terrific critique and comments already offered. All I can say is this is a terrific start. One of the BEST you’ve ever featured in these “first impression” posts. I would DEFINITELY keep reading.

  9. It’s a unique POV which I really like. I have a bit of a disconnect too. It might just need a little tightening for mood, perhaps a few different word choice. Even just cutting the passive voice in the first sentence would help…”woolen robe, that would soon be spattered with blood”

  10. Hi, Dianne, Hi, Mark.

    First, NICE WORK, Mark. I agree with Dianne… Very intriguing first page, but some of your sentence are a bit wordy.

    Dianne’s examples to simply is spot on.

    All the best. I’d certainly turn the page!

  11. Robin says:

    Well done. I don’t have other suggestions. Lots of suspense here…

  12. Lydia Kang says:

    Love that you’re still doing these critiques! I enjoyed the passage and the feedback. Keep up the good work, both of you!

  13. Mark Murata says:

    Sorry it took me a while to reply–I’m having severe computer problems. All your comments were useful. Thank you for the feedback!

  14. Mina B. says:

    I love the vivid picture and suspense here. This is really well done and absolutely makes me want to read more. I’m curious about Iphi’s plight and what she really plans to do. I agree with tightening up some of the sentences. Keeping them clean is important to the flow. Wonderful job Mark!