dianne salerni author
dianne salerni author

Several years ago (eight, to be precise), I decided to get creative with the note I sent out in Christmas cards and I wrote a creative little drama, which got inserted into everybody’s holiday greeting. It was well received by family and friends, and before Thanksgiving of the following year, people were hinting. “You’re going to do it again, right?”

Thus began The Slice of Salerni Life skit, which sees a reprise every year. Last Christmas, I tried to let it die a quiet little death, but the hue and cry over the empty card caused me to write it after the fact and send it out by email.

I thought the original skit was lost forever, due to a computer malfunction, but my mother-in-law recently found a paper copy. Oh, what fun it was to read the first one – and to consider how times have changed …

A Slice of Salerni Life – Christmas 2002

It’s late afternoon in the winter, and Dianne has just picked up Gina from day care. Gabbey’s had a half day of kindergarten, and Dianne’s had a full day of work …

Dianne: Okay, is everybody buckled in? Let’s go home.
Gina: I want juicy.
Dianne: I don’t have any juice.
Gabbey: Mommy, I have a question for you. Do days ever end?
Dianne: Gee, I hope not.
Gina: I want juicy.
Dianne: I don’t have any juice in the car. We’ll be home in fifteen minutes.
Gina: I want juicy … I want juicy … I want juicy … (Repeats every 5 seconds for a long, long time.)
Gabbey: Mommy, my library book says that some birds fly to South America for the winter.
Dianne: Wow!
Gabbey: How far is South America?
Dianne: Pretty far.
Gabbey: Mom, Gina stinks.
Gina: I not stinky. You stinky.
Dianne: Gina, when are you going to learn to use a potty?
Gina: I don’t want to use potty.
Gabbey: But you know you don’t like to make poop in your diaper.
Gina: I don’t have poop. My diaper’s okay.
Dianne: Gina, I can smell you from here.
Dianne: Okay, okay! (Sound of car windows opening.)
Gabbey: Mommy, have you ever been to South America?
Dianne: No, but I’ve been close. Mommy and Daddy went on an airplane to a place called St. Lucia, which is near South America
Gabbey: I’d like to ride on an airplane someday.
Dianne: I’m sure we’ll take you on an airplane someday.
Gina: I want to ride on an airplane.
Dianne: Someday.
Gina: I want to ride on an airplane.
Dianne: What, now?
Gina: I want to ride on an airplane … I want to ride on an airplane … I want to ride on an airplane … (Repeats every 5 seconds.)
RING! RING! The car phone automatically picks up. (Yes, in 2002 we had a dashboard-mounted car phone.)
Bob: Hello?
Dianne: Hi, sweetie.
Bob: Do you have the kids?
Bob: Oh, I guess you have them.
Gabbey: Mom! Gina kicked me!
Gina: Gabbey hit!
Bob: Is it going to be a martini night?
Dianne: Yes, dear. It’s going to be a martini night. With extra olives.
Bob: Okay. I’ll stop by the liquor store … Again. CLICK.
Gina: I want juicy … I want juicy … I want juicy …
Gabbey: Mom, do roads ever end?
Dianne: Yes, dear. It’s just this drive that goes on forever.

Eight years … wow. What a difference. It’s time for me to get started on A Slice of Salerni Life 2010, and I’m hoping for inspiration soon!